My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
