You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
