Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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