When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
