I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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