sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
