If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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