If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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