Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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