Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
