Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
