Just fell off a train. Bad.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
