chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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