Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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