there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
