2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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