you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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