remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
