Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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