what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
