I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
