At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
