If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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