I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
