just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
