I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
