i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
