I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
