Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize