So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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