Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
