$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
