Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We just shotgunned beers for America
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Randomize
