I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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