I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
