My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
