Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
