tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
