We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
