tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
i need some magic done to my vagina
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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