I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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