I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize