Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
