my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Also, beer. Big fan.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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