I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
