i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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