I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
