remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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