I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
