Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize