So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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