I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
