Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
