he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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