She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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