she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
