so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
