When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize