I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
