how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
