just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
