I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
